Monday, February 11, 2013

Sick Grump

I'm an asshole who doesn't have patience for high maintenance gals who wear makeup, paint their nails, exercise, generally take pride in their appearance. I can't be bothered to make an effort because I really can't be bothered. But. That isn't the whole truth. I also can't be bothered because I'm scared if I try I still won't be....enough. Not pretty enough, not skinny enough, not fashionable enough. It's easier to hide behind superiority--smart girls don't worry about things like looks. Smart girls aren't high maintenance. Which is garbage. It's also cowardly. And if I think about it I adore a lot of women who wear makeup, paint their nails, exercise, and generally take pride in their appearance.

The truth is I am terribly high maintenance in a different way. If things don't go just so I freak out and pout and am horrible to be around. And when I'm sick I am a total princess. My worst days as a Stay At Home Mom aren't when the boys are being turds, but when I'm feel like crap and can't believe I still have to, you know, do my job.

So I've been having an extended pity party for myself all day. My ears are plugged up, my throat is sore, and I'm fucking exhausted because I nursed C 4 times last night-he is sick, too. My sweet little boy is sick and it is messing with his sleep and instead of being concerned about him I'm annoyed that I have to get up in the middle of the night when I don't feel well.

I'm pissed because I'm sick and am not getting rest and on top of it I'm pissed because I'm a shitty person for being worried about my comfort instead of remembering C is sick, too. Then the anxiety starts butting in to remind me that what all this means is I'm completely worthless. And speaking of butting in, who the fuck am I to write a blog post of ADVICE to my sisters-in-law? The hubris! That was a really stupid choice. And suddenly I'm sitting on the sofa, absolutely mortified that I exist.

But when I go to collect the mail I find this amongst the creditcard offers.

My father-in-law sent me a valentine. And damn it, it made me smile. It reminded me that so many people are kind. And that getting all wrapped up in myself is a supremely indulgent way to spend the day. There are a hell of a lot of wonderful people in my life who do lovely things for me all the time. My anxiety, who insists on pointing out my every flaw in excruciating detail, can kindly go fuck herself. 

On top of that I figured out how to remove my street address from the photo. Yes, you think, but that is something a 7 year old can do. That might be true, but for me it is like writing code.

This sort of sums up how I feel.  The un-glamor shot.

My reader.


2 comments:

  1. Reader perspective - Your insights for new parents I thought were quite good - so no need to stress there. I especially liked that you were able to include the viral video and bad parenting backlash associated with it - interesting social phenomenon. You should check out these mama bloggers too (Are they bloggers if they are on tumblr?)... http://mollysueschwarz.tumblr.com/

    http://mediocremommy.tumblr.com/

    They, along with you, help me keep it in perspective and they are fucking hilarious.

    -Leah

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    1. Thank you kindly, Leah. You know, I have elaborate fantasies about us meeting in person-you guys coming to see J and C or us going to Maine-Z has a bunch of friends there.

      And I will totally check out the other blogs. Although I have no answer to the tumblr question. I don't even feel cool enough to look at tumblrs unless they are Harry Potter ones.

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