But when she said I wouldn't have time to bake right now I wanted to laugh. I could be baking, could be cleaning, could be fucking interacting with my children who are currently watching Nick Jr. On Wednesday I let them watch TV all day while I looked at a Harry Potter Tumblr. Yes, I just typed that. Yes, I'm completely ashamed of myself.
Yet again I've forgotten how fast my mental health can deteriorate. A week ago I was fine. It was a stressful time, but I was coping. I handled C's return trip to the hospital without falling apart. And now here we are at home, completely safe and where I wanted us to be, and gravity feels ten times more crushing than it did last Friday. It is pinning me to the ground and I don't have the energy to fight back. There is a neighborhood playgroup scheduled for today. I'd been planing on going, but I can't. I can't face pretending that I'm fine. So T is stuck in the house again. Z is headed back from his work trip and right into managing an unwell wife. And I feel so raw I just want to disappear into nothing.
When this starts I always wonder if this will be the time that I can't catch a foothold. There are no guarantees I'll be able to get better. The next breakdown could be around any corner. It scares me that I don't even feel like I could fight it right now. I look at my boys who deserve so much and I feel so worthless. I'm not enough for them. I know I need to try. Maybe tomorrow I'll be able to. I don't think it is going to happen today.
I love this kid. Bought him a $1 cup at Target yesterday of Dora the Explorer. He loves it. He also really misses his dad. In the bath last night he suggested I buy one for Z as well. He's got a big heart, this one.
And the other one. He is so straightforward and happy and a pleasure to be around. If we could just get him healthy.
A sunset at my folk's place in Georgia last week. I might need today to wallow, but I will try tomorrow. Because of my beautiful boys and because of lovely sunsets and because mental illness can suck it.