Friday, January 11, 2013


The other day my Mother-in-law kindly called to share some suggestions about how to bulk up C's diet. Z was a tiny guy as well and she was constantly trying to get his weight up. She had some great ideas, I've already bought some of the items she brought up. She was talking about adding ingredients to baked goods when she caught herself and said I wouldn't have time to be baking him stuff right now. She and my Father-in-law are extremely supportive of my choice to stay at home with the boys, they treat it with import equal to Z's job that actually supports us. I'm really lucky.

But when she said I wouldn't have time to bake right now I wanted to laugh. I could be baking, could be cleaning, could be fucking interacting with my children who are currently watching Nick Jr. On Wednesday I let them watch TV all day while I looked at a Harry Potter Tumblr. Yes, I just typed that. Yes, I'm completely ashamed of myself.

Yet again I've forgotten how fast my mental health can deteriorate. A week ago I was fine. It was a stressful time, but I was coping. I handled C's return trip to the hospital without falling apart. And now here we are at home, completely safe and where I wanted us to be, and gravity feels ten times more crushing than it did last Friday. It is pinning me to the ground and I don't have the energy to fight back. There is a neighborhood playgroup scheduled for today. I'd been planing on going, but I can't. I can't face pretending that I'm fine. So T is stuck in the house again. Z is headed back from his work trip and right into managing an unwell wife. And I feel so raw I just want to disappear into nothing.

When this starts I always wonder if this will be the time that I can't catch a foothold. There are no guarantees I'll be able to get better. The next breakdown could be around any corner. It scares me that I don't even feel like I could fight it right now. I look at my boys who deserve so much and I feel so worthless. I'm not enough for them. I know I need to try. Maybe tomorrow I'll be able to. I don't think it is going to happen today.

I love this kid. Bought him a $1 cup at Target yesterday of Dora the Explorer. He loves it. He also really misses his dad. In the bath last night he suggested I buy one for Z as well. He's got a big heart, this one.

And the other one. He is so straightforward and happy and a pleasure to be around. If we could just get him healthy.  

A sunset at my folk's place in Georgia last week. I might need today to wallow, but I will try tomorrow. Because of my beautiful boys and because of lovely sunsets and because mental illness can suck it.


  1. I am so hoping I can comment - I have tried before and failed (my technical abilities are spotty at best- I'm going to try my real life email) If you are seeing this it means I succeeded - Yay me! Anyhow, I am a friend of C & J from Maine. I love your blog - I love your honesty. I think you are amazing and I think you're an amazing mom to those two boys. An outsiders opinion on your current mental health state - you must have one hell of an emotional hangover from everything you just managed to pull off with your family. It would take awhile for someone with typical chemistry to recover, throw in some atypical chemistry and you might need some time. Take it easy on yourself and fuck the playgroup - your kids need downtime too!

    1. Hey Leah, I had no idea you read my blog! I read yours as well (don't know if you remember emailing me the log in details) but I read as you so I can't comment. I just got all caught up and first of all, I loved your vagina post. I feel very honored to be referenced. Second of all, from everything C & J say I'm sure we'd get along famously. Third of all, I know it is a drag to comment. I just write about such personal stuff that I want someone to work for it if they are going to be mean in the comments. Which is silly because basically it is friends and friends of friends reading, not anonymous internet mean people.

      And thank you. You comment was very kind.

      I think your story is amazing and I'm so happy for what is going on in your life right now.