Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Good Day Despite the Stupid Anxeity

Writing to you from the middle of an anxiety attack, so doen't expect a lot of coherence today. I hate taking chill pills midday, if I need one I try to make it until the boys have gone to bed. But late this morning I realized I felt like I'd had an extra 5 cups of coffee. My hands were shaking as I got lunch together and my mind was racing all over the place. Mostly about how I was going to die sometime in the next week. Yes, I think I'm going to die. Could be a car accident. Could be an aneurysm. Could be a freak stroke. Could be a late stage cancer. You get the picture. The crazy train has pulled into the station and I have eagerly climbed aboard.

Yes. This is bad. But I do realize it is bad. I realize it is insane and dumb that I think I am going to die in the next week. Progress. And that is what I'm focusing on today.

We have a wonderful family of ladies visiting. And I don't give a flying fuck that they are seeing me in all my crazy glory. They totally get it. And amazingly they seem to love me for who I am.

We do quite a bit of entertaining here at Chez Cordano-Leonard. We love having people come from out of town. We love having local folks over. We try and find "our people" as we call them, you know, what Anne Shirley would call "kindred sprits". We decided to do a low key party for T this year. Including our boys there were 8 kids and 10 adults. It was the first year that T really understood his birthday and was excited about it. But he's still young enough for all the adults to sit around and get their buzz on. T's party was full of kids he loves and "our people". Z and I were thrilled by how much fun he had and by how good it felt to be surrounded by folks we really care about and want to be part of his life. Life is good and we are grateful.

We even managed to not overextend in the quest to make it a perfect party. I let myself be talked into using a cake pan shaped like Darth Vader even though it made the part of me who worked for a wedding cake design company weep. We were going to make a Death Star Piñata, but when I found a Vader one at Party City for under $15 I called Z and he said to buy it. And T loved the cake and the piñata with all his heart. We were going to make light sabers out of pool noodles, but I found blow up ones at Target for a pretty reasonable price and the kids had a great time wailing on each other with them.

So I'm having an anxiety attack today, a pretty ugly one. And yet my friends still love me. We have had so much good and love and fun this summer. We have a couple who we've clicked with over the last few years. They are over several times a week. They have their own keys and come and go as they please. We can talk to them about anything. They are the good stuff. Suddenly our lives feel very rich here in Syracuse. Maybe it's the late summer talking, but I love it here. I'm happy here. We have a good life. And we share that life with people who like us enough to put up with crazy anxiety attacks and a guy who insists on wearing a hat made from a paper bag.

Some days I think he might be as crazy as I am.

With that thought I'm going to try and sleep this puppy off. Hopefully when I wake I won't think I'm dying anymore. Our friends want to watch the boys tonight so we can have a hot date. Pretty damn cool, huh?

This boy can spot a pretty lady from a mile away, and he will fight hard to win her heart.

Kissing my, gulp, toddler.
Photo by breedemandweep.

Sweet and patient H teaching T to read. 


  1. Ugh, anxiety attacks are a fucking bitch. I was lucky that prozac has worked for me for a long time, but they still sneak in some days. When I am driving the car is the scariest time for it to pop it's head up. Good luck with it, get good sleep, and breath :) xx

    1. Thanks, Stacy. Glad prozac works for you. The SSRIs can exacerbate my anxiety, which is kind of a drag. I will send you good driving thoughts!