And this whole crush thing isn't just in my head. Z agrees. A mutual friend who has spent time around all of us agrees. I was telling another friend about it and the phrase "a little crazy" came up to explain her. Believe me, as a super duper crazy person I didn't mean in pejoratively. My friend's eyes got big and she said, "But Karen! "Crazy" is his type!" I almost died laughing. Crazy is, in fact, his type. Although he has insisted that he's gotten his fill with me and if he ever finds himself single in the future he will only pursue sane women. I don't believe him for a second.
Honestly, I'm not thrilled about the crush. I'm as jealous as the next gal, it brings out incredibly possessive feelings in me. In the past a situation like this would send me into a tailspin of anxiety and self loathing. When I was unwell I hated myself so much that when other women expressed intrest in Z I was sure he'd rather be with them. Over the years he's caught the eye of numerous ladies. And sometimes he's clearly dug on those ladies a bit himself. Which makes him human. We've been together for more than 14 years now. My head has been turned by other guys countless times. I love men. Love looking at them, thinking about them, hanging out with them. I've been boy crazy since I was old enough to figure out that boys and girls are different.
I also trust Z and he trusts me. Over the years we've figured out the way to deal with the fact that we aren't the only two people in the world is to talk about it. I think it would be pretty hard to actually have an affair with someone I've discussed with my husband. We both know what attracts the other person and are forever pointing out people we think the other will enjoy. Fidelity is hard. Deciding that you are going to be with one person for the rest of your life is intense. Finding a coping mechanism to deal with that reality is necessary. We are both pretty traditional when it comes to our relationship, there is nothing about the polyamorous lifestyle that appeals to us. The security and intimacy we share is more than worth the trade off of not getting to fuck other people. And cheating would be a deal breaker. Not to say we both haven't had emotional affairs when the going got tough, or even when the going wasn't so tough. But we agree that what we do with those feelings is what matters.
We didn't get to the good place we are at now without a lot of heartache. During the breakdown I was sure that he regretted his decision to be with me. Every woman that crushed on him seemed able to give him so much more than I ever could. I felt like the right thing to do would be to let him go and be happy. I knew in my bones that someone as pathetic as me would never really be good for him. At the same time I was desperate to hold on to him. I punished him over and over for nothing at all, raging and blaming him for what was out of his control. When I recognized what was going on this time I started to have those feelings. I compared myself to her and found myself lacking. She is thinner, she is talented, she is driven. And I told myself I was worthless. But as the panic started to rise I somehow managed to curb it. I am not worthless, Z loves me, he hasn't done anything wrong, nor have I, nor has the woman who is a little in love with him. We feel what we feel. No one has acted inappropriately in this situation. She isn't going to jump his bones. He isn't going to leave his family. I'm not going to let my illness convince me I'm useless or let it tourment him by begging for proof he wants to be with me again and again. And hell, it is a little cool that someone is into my man.
***Disclaimer: This isn't about you. I promise. The person in question does not know I blog. Details were changed to protect the innocent. If you do have a crush on Z it's no problem. Believe me, I get it.
One more unrelated thing: I forgot to mention that when I was getting the tattoo a few weeks ago Temptation by New Order came over the sound system while the needle was running. When you get tattooed there is a definite adrenaline surge. To have my favorite song in the history of the universe come on in the moment that I was getting a tattoo in honor of my sons was an incredible rush. By far my favorite tattoo memory.
I mean, who wouldn't be a little in love with this guy?
This nutball insisted on the hat even though it was a 90 degree day.
He told me he was making a "T".