There are the regular and predictable indicators that I’m not doing well emotionally. For instance, this video made me cry (What the hell? I don’t even like basketball), I sleep too much, I haven’t stepped outside my house since Friday and will only leave tomorrow for T’s doctor appointment, I’m not bathing regularly enough or wearing anything other than a robe and sweats, I have frequent and graphic miscarriage nightmares.
But there is one indicator that is plain weird. I’m sure I’ve discussed my problem with orange here before. I’m not a fan. I don’t like the taste, the smell, the color. In fact, I avoid touching it and wipe my hand (or whatever part of me comes in contact with it) off when I do touch it. Lately I’ve been seeing orange everywhere. When I shop for tissues or sponges to wash the dishes I am careful to search the multi-packs for any hint of the deal breaking orange. I went to grab a pre-screened box of tissues out of the closet a few days ago and it had orange on it. My hand tingled in the bad way where I was touching it. I quickly put it in the bathroom I use the least and grabbed the blue one in there for the living room. But yesterday I noticed it fell on the floor and as I reached for it I realized there wasn’t any orange at all, the damn thing was shades of brown. I’m actually imagining orange where there is none. Same with T’s winter hat. It is totally yellow and I’ve been avoiding touching it. Many reds have become suspect as well. And yet, while I throw away orange M&Ms or Reese’s Pieces, I can eat clementines on occasion. If I’m careful with the crumbs I can eat crunchy Cheetos. I love Cheez-Its. None of it makes sense, but as I feel worse the rules become more complex and it is becoming a cumbersome pain in my ass.
I only know two people who have attended Grinnell. But they are two of my favorite people on the planet, so I’m guessing the place regularly pumps out amazing people. They were at the school several years apart and they have never met, but I know if they did they’d love each other. They are the kind of gals you can’t help but want to be friends with.
Lovely Anna posted this on her facebook page yesterday. Read it. It will make you cry, but only because it is a beautiful story that gives you hope in humanity. Does it sound strange to say this article made me proud to know such goodness exists in the world? It made me happy as I went to bed last night, even as I was weeping so hard that Z told me I needed to calm the fuck down.
The other Grinnellian was a first year grad student when I was a first year undergrad at Sarah Lawrence. I was little more than a girl when I first met her, and she was a graceful young adult. She was and is an incredibly talented writer, and a magnetic person. I had a bad case of hero worship. Still do. But I’m grateful I get to be her friend all these years later. She is the kind of mother to her two girls that I hope to be some day, she has a popular blog, and she writes weekly articles for two websites.
Her most recent article written for Parentdish on AOL was featured on the main AOL page this weekend. It started to get a lot of comments. Most of them were positive, but there was also a lot of nasty stuff that frankly seemed to have nothing to do with her article, rather people used the opportunity to comment to be anonymously cruel. I simply don’t get it. Online nastiness bothers me when I don’t personally know the author, but this got under my skin in the worst way. She is not only an extraordinary writer, but an extraordinary person who is brave enough to share all the pain and mess and joy of her life, and judging from the comments on her blog she has helped many people suffering from problems similar to hers. She has addressed the comment situation with more eloquence and cleverness than I ever could. But who are these people who seem to get their kicks from being unkind? Are they normal functioning members of society? Am I friends with any of them? Are you? Do they honestly feel better about themselves when they are hurtful to strangers? How do they not feel terrible about their actions? The whole episode made me grateful for my tiny readership of supportive friends and acquaintances. Thank you guys for not being mean to me. I don’t think I could handle the blogger big leagues.
T has started to pull out his dirty clothes and cuddle with them during his nap.
It's so cute I don't really want to move the laundry basket.