Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Yes, I'm Perfectly Aware That I'm an Ass. And Yes, I'm Trying to Work On It.

I’m an ass.  I’m a jerk.  I’m a selfish and self involved twit.  Yesterday’s post has been on my mind a lot and the more I think about it the more I am disappointed with myself. 

Of course Z has every right to privacy in our relationship.  He has been incredibly generous to me by being cool with how much of our life I share.  I just rewrote that sentence.  I started to write he has been incredibly generous to let me share so much of our life.  And there is the problem.  To let me.  So very loaded.  The thing is, Z has never acted like his ideas or his actions should be weighed with more consideration that mine.  He has always treated me like an equal.  He was the one that suggested we take the word obey out of our marriage vows.  He told me it would actually make him a little uncomfortable if I took his last name after I told him I wanted to keep mine.

And I feel like his equal.  I know I am just as intelligent as he is, and I have proven I can provide financially for us as well as he can.  Yet I have deep insecurities about how I am perceived in our relationship.  I am defensive and jealous that he went to grad school and I have not, even though he has told me over and over again that he would support my choice to go back to school.  I worry what people think of me because I am a stay at home mom.  When offering my opinion in the presence of his co-workers I almost always qualify my thoughts with, “I’m just a stay at home mom so I might not know what I’m talking about, but…”  My insecurities are not his fault, and they are not caused by him in any way. 

A very casual acquaintance referred to her role in her family (married with children) as second in command once and I wanted to shake her.  Why sell herself short?  Why consider herself of less import than her husband?  Why not approach family life as a team?  This particular person is the primary care giver to the kids, so I also wonder why the person doing the heavy lifting in regards to the child rearing would subjugate herself to someone who spent a lot of time away from the home.  I think the reason I was so angry with her is because I fear others will see me as she sees herself.  And for some reason it is of paramount importance that I am seen as second in command to no one. 

All of this is by way of explaining why I was being such a hard headed jerk.  And all of this is stuff I really need to work on.  In response to the commenter on the last post: Of course I agree that just writing my thoughts down is a great help.  And my brand of over sharing is going to be distasteful to some.  But I am sure there are others out there like me who are helped by knowing about the private struggles people go through.  Those folks like me who find comfort in knowing that sometimes people don’t behave perfectly or have trouble coping with life in general, not because we wish others ill, but because our own struggles seem less horrible and overwhelming when we realize everyone goes through them.  I guess the hope that those folks might magically come across my blog is the reason I do want to put my stories out there.  Delusions of grandeur, I know.  But those delusions come from a good place of wanting to reassure people that they are not alone.  My task will be to try and accomplish that without making Z uncomfortable at the same time.

Waiting to see Santa the day after Thanksgiving. 

He was really confused by the whole thing. 

 The water table at the Children's Museum we took him to was the hit of the day.


  1. Jeeze, rough editing on this one. And a quick question to those who subscribe through a RSS feed. When I edit a post does it go through to your feed again? If so, I'm sorry about that.

    I'm also cracking up because yesterday I claimed not to have delusions of grandeur, while today I copped to having them. But I stand behind the contradiction because they were in reference to different things...

  2. RSS guy #65472875 - If your edits have an effect on the feed, i don't notice. And i hope the editing does not behave this way. I never thought to ask, but i usually do most of my edits after i make a post. Somehow i find more errors once it is 'out there' than i do when i am reading it pre-post...

  3. I have the same issue... and actually no one notices it if you edit only the most recent post But yup, if you edit an old post it turns back up in the reader. I know this because... wait for it.. I subscribed to myself. How's that for self-involved. Heh. But I wanted to see how it worked.

    And Karen, as always, I am in the midst of embracing and trying to understand my own asshole-ishness of late...