Thursday, December 2, 2010

Mea Culpa

It is a priceless gift to be raised in an environment where you are taught you can be anything you want, that everyone is equal and should be judged on actions rather than sex, skin color, religion.  I hope to give T the same gift my parents gave me.  But I want to add something for him, the lesson that life isn’t always fair, the truth is that many people aren’t given the same opportunities he will have because of their sex, skin color, or religion.  The world shouldn’t work that way, but sometimes it still does.  And we need to both be aware of it and do everything we can to fight it. 

When I was growing up I assumed everyone in the world had it as good as me.  Ideologically I was sort of like Anslie Hayes from the West Wing.  I remember an episode in which she explained that she was against the ERA because it is redundant, she’s a low maintenance woman and she was already covered under the 14th amendment.  I used to feel that way, too.  How fucking smug.  And how easy not to look beyond your experiences and realize not everyone has it as good as you, that there are people who can’t begin to pull themselves up by their bootstraps and they deserve protection as well. 

Oops, sorry for the political tangent.  Reining it back in…As a kid my world was completely fair, and when I learned the hard way the real world was not it was a real kick to the balls.  Unfortunately it’s still a kick to the balls; I can be a slow learner.  So I want to teach T that we need to be as fair as possible with our actions, but we also need to be prepared for when the world doesn’t play by our rules and we need to remember there is plenty that is out of our control.  In my last post I was critical of women who made trying to get pregnant into a huge structured event.  And my callousness has really bothered me since I posted it.  Some couples can’t conceive, some couples struggle to conceive.  Before I had my miscarriage I understood that intellectually, but the unfairness of it, the hurt, and the loss, well, now I understand it emotionally.  If I was unable to conceive with ease I would definitely keep a chart of my cycle and take my temperature every morning.  Of course I would.  I did not mean to be glib about the struggles of couples fighting to conceive, and I am sorry that I was.  

Life just doesn’t make sense no matter how much I still believe it will.  I got pregnant by accident the first time and dreaded motherhood the entire time.  Of course, it turned out to be the best thing that has ever happened to me.  So when I figure out we can provide a good environment for kids and we decide to have another one and that one is conceived with love and hope and excitement the pregnancy fails.  It just isn’t fair.  It isn’t fair.  To my friends who struggled to conceive I say it isn’t fair.  To my friends unable to conceive I say it isn’t fair.  To my friends who have miscarried I say it isn’t fair.  And to all of you I say I am sorry for your struggles, and I’m hoping  you guys don’t have the “fair” hang up I do, because I’m saying it isn’t fair like that is some big revelation instead of being an obvious fact of life.  So I'll say it another way:  To my friends, I'm sorry for your hurt, and because I love you, when you hurt I hurt along side you.  

 Happy to be home and reading T a bedtime story in my own bed.  Z built it for us right before we moved.  The tree branch in the background is the headboard.  He built that shelf in the crotch of the branch, and the branch stretches to his side where a lamp he made hangs from the end.  It's a platform bed made from reclaimed church pews and it's great for a toddler.  T has no problem shimmying off the side.  It is pretty amazing.   

Sad about the freezing weather.  


  1. I am gonna give you the "live read" this time, because i was forced to stop and comment at Ainsley Hayes. I am in the midst of a West Wing re-watch/listen (currently on Season 4 ep 15), and i love Ainsley. That ERA episode is season 2 ep 18 "17 People".

  2. I have a difficult time imagining someone being able to stay mad at you if they got mad at you {for these kinds of things ;)}. Your intentions are clearly good, and your commitment to the process of self examination is clear. I always prefer to deal with someone that i frequently disagree with who has the ability to analyze their own actions and maybe even change or evolve their opinions rather than someone i may agree with who never-the-less has a limited and rigid perspective.

    Keep on thinking and raising that little boy to save us all when we are old...