Thursday, November 4, 2010

Good News

For those of you keeping score the results of the last blood test are in and drum roll please…they are a 2!  So not perfect, but nothing about me is.  But they are definitely good enough for government work.  And T and I made it safe and sound down south.   This morning* my mom, T, and I left my sister’s house and came down to SC.  Today I met my lovely and very tiny niece, tomorrow I see my Gram, my dad, and my sister and her family get down here.  So life is feeling pretty damn good. 

Back to my sister.  She is pregnant.  She found out the morning of September 3rd, Z and my 10th wedding anniversary.  Later that afternoon we found out about the miscarriage.  Talk about shitty timing.  For all of us.  If I hadn’t lost the baby we would have been due 6 weeks apart which is the age difference between T and his cousin.  When I found out she was pregnant it just felt perfect.  She is a planner and though she is my younger sister since we have become adults our roles have slowly reversed and she has become much more "take charge".  She instructed me when I was supposed to get pregnant and even though I told her to go jump in a lake I totally complied. 

So I felt like a royal fuckup when I lost the baby.  The family made plans.  We both got pregnant according to the dictated schedule.  And I screwed it up.  I also felt like a terrible person for not being able to share in her happiness, and for overshadowing her good news within our family by having a tragedy that just wouldn’t quit.  I mean, who has a miscarriage and doesn’t get the all clear health wise until 9 ½ weeks later?  What a spotlight hog! 

I’m basically spending the month of November with her and I was worried about how I’d handle it.  Would I be able to even look her in the face?  Or would my jealousy just eat me alive?  We got to her house yesterday and to my complete delight I was nothing but happy to see her.  This morning we had a few minutes alone together and I remembered that she had an ultrasound on Monday.  I asked her how it was and she said it went well.  I asked her how the baby looked and she said good.  I asked her when she finds out the sex and she said in 6 weeks.  I asked if she told her boss and she said yes.  

And during this conversation I realized something.  During the almost 10 weeks I’ve known she was pregnant she has never brought it up to me.  She answers my questions when I ask and never offers more information.  To be honest, I haven't asked many questions, it has just hurt too much.  We talk every day and she has been so considerate of my feelings that she has never mentioned her morning sickness, or how her doctor appointments went, or how excited she is.  I mean, this is the biggest thing in her life right now.  And I thought about what would have happened if the roles were reversed.  I’m so completely self absorbed I’m sure I’d have told her if I was feeling like complete crap.  But every day she felt ill she just kept it to herself.  She and I are extremely close and she has not been able to share this huge part of herself with me.  She has been kind and compassionate and truly decent about this whole business.  I am lucky to have her as my sister. 

And I’m happy for her.  I’m happy I’m going to be an Aunt again.  I’m happy her pregnancy is working out so she can have her second baby exactly when she wanted to.  And I am ready to celebrate with her and actively be a part of the next two trimesters.  That feels better than my pregnancy hormone levels being down to 2.  

*I wrote this yesterday, and frankly I'm too lazy to go back and change all the todays, yesterdays, and tomorrows.  

Our bathroom reno has finally started.  Before we left home T was having a blast playing in our new sink. 

T at the beach today.  The real today, not yesterday pretending to be today.

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