Monday, October 18, 2010

Hurting and Forgiving

Yup, as soon as I put it out there that T and I are having a honeymoon phase he stopped giving me the time of day.  Little man has been fighting some kind of nasty bug for almost 3 weeks and this weekend included an unfortunate amount of vomiting and diarrhea.  During all the sickies he didn’t want me around him at all, he only wanted his dad.  Every time I tried to hug him or play with him he would weep in frustration and look for Z.  Needless to say, my heart was broken. 

It got me to thinking about this post, namely the part about Z and me hurting each other.  I’ve come to terms with the idea he and I have and will continue to hurt each other, and that I will hurt myself, and that it will happen with friends and family as well.  We need to try and not do it, but almost always we need to figure out how to forgive each other and move on when it does happen.  I don’t want to excuse bad behavior on anyone’s part by saying we just need to blindly forgive.  We should always attempt to be careful with each other.  This philosophy is not a go ahead for people to behave like immature ass holes.  And there are certainly things that are unforgivable.  Z and I have a short list of behaviors that are deal breakers, from the glib to the more serious.  For instance, he knows that I cannot bear facial hair in any form on the person I am with.  For all you gentleman out there with facial hair, I respect you and I might even find you very handsome.  But I cannot kiss you.  And I cannot be in a relationship with you.  Well, I can’t anyway because I’m married and cheating is one of our serious deal breakers.  But the facial hair is not helping.  We have a running joke that if Z wants to split he can clearly signal his intentions by rocking a mustache. 

OK, lost focus for a second there.  Swinging back to the topic at hand.  While considering all that hurt I didn’t make the logical leap to include my relationship with T.  He is going to hurt me and I am going to hurt him.  I am really having a hard time coming to terms with that.  I mean, he has hurt me already.  And even though he can’t communicate how, I’m sure I’ve hurt him.  I need to figure out how to cope with that.  How to explain to him it is alright.  How to ask him to be careful with the people he loves while at the same time teaching him it is natural to fail, but there are ways to make it right. 

And while my broken heart this weekend felt like such a huge deal, I need to remind myself this too shall pass, or maybe I should say this already has passed.  Today in the early morning he was very lovey.  Then when I dropped him with a friend because I needed to go get blood drawn he was a sobbing mess.  It hurt like crazy to walk away from him when he was crying, but it also did my heart good to know he wanted me to stay.  And my friend told me he stopped crying less than a minute after I left.  So ultimately he made me feel better, and he was actually fine.   Well played little man.  Maybe he already knows how to make it right without me teaching him.

Is there anything more delicious than a naked baby butt?  

The disgusting bathroom wall was like that when we moved in, and though immediately getting the bathroom redone was part of our deal with ourselves when we moved in it didn't happen and we have been living with grossness for 14 months.  But that will finally change this November!  We are so excited.  

One last thing, I love it when Z forgets to take off his hearing protection.  Although I wish it wasn't orange.  

1 comment:

  1. I agree with your friend that this is beautiful. You've hit on the thing we're supposed to be teaching besides dressing yourself, how to make your bed or tie your shoes. And I think this one is exponentially more important. (And probably one of the things I am failing at.) So, whether you suffer from anxiety or can't leave the house, or have a strange fear of facial hair or the color orange, you're doing something imperative and lovely.