Thursday, September 23, 2010

No Resolution

One thing I’ve learned from this whole miscarriage situation is a heartbreaking number of my friends and acquaintances have gone through the same thing.  Writing about it has helped me process my feelings, and that is the main reason I’m doing it.  But there is another reason, one that is much more presumptuous and it’s the reason I’m blogging in the first place.  I am no expert on motherhood, or miscarriage, or much of anything beyond the Harry Potter Series (seriously, ask me anything).  But I am a mom, and I’ve now had a miscarriage.  The best advice I got when I was scared and pregnant wasn’t from books; it was from my friends who were moms themselves.  And the best comfort I got after the miscarriage was certainly from women close to me who’d had one themselves. 

I don’t think I have the best advice or the best comfort giving skills in the world, but I have pretty strong opinions on the whole business and damn it, I’m sharing them.  Because even with all the fantastic advice and support I’ve gotten things constantly happen that surprise the hell out of me, both in good and bad ways.  While they are fresh in my mind I’m writing them down in the hopes that maybe they will help you guys, my friends who are kind enough to read this, at some point in the future. 

My stuff is probably only going to be helpful to a small group of you because everyone’s experiences are so different.  I don’t know what it is like to go into labor naturally, but I can tell you a bit about preeclampsia and being induced.  I don’t know what it is like to spontaneously miscarry, but I can tell you how it feels to find out the embryo you have been carrying has been dead for the last month.  So if I’ve had an experience you are having and you have more in depth questions please email me at and ask away. 

Before I had a miscarriage I imagined having one would make me never want to try and get pregnant again.  I thought the risk of hurt would be too great, I would never want to open myself up to the chance of that pain again.  I was 100% wrong.  As soon as I found out about the miscarriage I was thinking about how soon I could get pregnant again.  I recently told one of my best friends that I feel like being pregnant is the only thing that is going to make me get over this.  I hope you all have someone like my friend in your life.  She always tells me what she thinks, no matter how hard it is to hear.  And she is basically always right.  She said I needed to deal with the loss and not just move on to the next pregnancy because if I do I will possibly have hang ups with both the pregnancy and the baby. 

I know she is right.  But I don’t know how to deal with it.  We were back at the doctor’s office on Wednesday and he said everything looked perfect; I shouldn’t have trouble conceiving or carrying a baby to term.  I just need to wait until I’ve had two periods to start trying.  And I felt terrific.  I felt better than I’ve felt since this whole thing happened.  But every time I remember that I am supposed to be pregnant right now, that we would have told people and we would be looking forward to finding out what sex it would be I fall apart.  Right now I’m using the idea of getting pregnant again as an emotional crutch and I’m not sure how to stop. 

The doctor’s visit wasn’t all smiles and roses.  The ultrasound showed that my uterus isn’t currently bleeding, which is great news.  But the unidentified thing which was discovered during our lovely trip to the ER on Saturday is still there.  The doc said it might be part of the landscape of my uterus, or it might be something that needs to get out. 

Was I the only one who thought doctors had all the answers?  The number of mights in this situation are really disconcerting.  I might pass this thing at any moment before my next period.  I might pass it with my next period.  I might never pass it.  I might bleed on and off until my next period.  I might not.  Usually you have a D&C and you stop bleeding within a week.  Sometimes you get an infection, or you have hemorrhaging.  And sometimes it isn’t so cut and dry.  You bleed more than you are supposed to, but not enough for there to be intervention.  Sometimes you have a clot the size of a cherry that scares the hell out of you, you end up in the ER where it is confirmed your uterus is bleeding, and you have to choose between another D&C and medicine.   And sometimes that medicine makes you feel dizzy and nauseous, your stomach gets upset, and even though it is supposed to help you get rid of whatever is in your uterus you stop bleeding completely.  Sometimes nothing is easy. 

Sometimes your miscarriage will just be unresolved for an unspecified amount of time.  You will be waiting for something to happen, be it heavy bleeding out of nowhere that will signal you have passed the unknown whatever, or your next period which is probably three weeks out. 

I don’t want to have to just wait and see for three weeks.  I want this over with now.  So yes, I’m holding on to the fact that my lady parts are looking OK.  I’m thinking about getting that first period in mid October and the second in November and I can’t wait to try and get pregnant right after that.  The present feels pretty awful.  And late November doesn’t feel that far away.  I want to feel happy again.  And I hope I can start to get there before I try and get pregnant.  Because my friend is right and relying on the next pregnancy to get over this is a foolish move. 

Sweet boy with egg on his face, literally.

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