Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Balance: Sad Post + Funny Story

Early this morning my mom headed home.  She was here for a week and it is not an exaggeration to say we couldn’t have gotten through this without her.  Yesterday I experienced some increased bleeding so I spoke to my favorite nurse at the office and she told me I was doing too much and needed to not lift anything over 10 lbs for another week and sit with my legs up as much as possible.  Since the procedure I have been doing almost nothing, my mom has done everything.  And now I’m taking care of my 20 lb baby on my own.  I can try not to lift him much, but I have to get him into his high chair multiple times a day, I nurse him 4 times a day, gotta get him into his crib for bed plus his two naps and get him back out again.  I guess I can change his diapers on the floor, but not picking him up?  Impossible. 

So I started to freak out a bit yesterday.  I tried to not do it in front of my mom.  She and my father are attending a conference tomorrow and they have had these plans for many months.  She has gone above the call of duty and I don’t want to make her feel guilty, but I am freaking out.  I don’t know how people do this.  I just pray I don’t bleed more because I know I can’t ignore that.  The emotional numbness is also starting to wear off, and I am not thrilled about that because all I want to do is cry.  It’s been a week and a half since we got the news, I think I should be pulling myself together, but everything feels worse.

There are a couple of things I learned during this horror show that were surprising, so I thought I’d share.  I’m hoping this doesn’t happen to any of you guys, but if it does here is some info:

I thought when a pregnancy failed in the first trimester there would be a clear sign of what was going on.  That does happen in a lot of cases.  There are severe cramp like pains and then there is bleeding.  But I didn’t understand the pregnancy could fail, yet your body has no idea.  Evidently it can happen for a number of reasons.  In our case the doctor hypothesized my body recognized one of the pregnancies failed, but the second pregnancy was still developing and it just didn’t get the picture when that pregnancy failed as well. 

It is a complete mindfuck that your body can continue with the pregnancy when there isn’t a viable embryo.  I thought because there was absolutely no blood, because my belly was growing (FYI with my first pregnancy I didn’t wear maternity pants until I was 6 months pregnant, but the 2nd time the uterus is all “I know what to do!” and gets big immediately so while I actually lost a few pounds because of morning sickness my pants wouldn’t fit within a month), because I was nauseous and threw up twice I was home free.  I think the part that hurts the most is I was so caught by surprise.  It will be harder to be excited next time.  I’ll probably feel suspicious until I give birth.

OK, another funny Whole Foods story because I am starting to wallow.  And moving forward I've decided the sad posts should get a funny story.  Because I'm writing this and getting overwhelmed by the bad stuff, so I can't imagine it is a hell of a lot of fun to read.  Hopefully a laugh at the end will sweeten the deal.   

The first store I worked in when I got that fancy assistant manager position was located next to Mass General in Boston.  I was only there for 3 months, and the commute from Providence was a bitch, but I loved it.  It was a little like being back in NYC, there was never a dull moment and we were busy all the time.  The downside to city stores is there was a lot more shoplifting and shenanigans to deal with.  We had a regular crew of folks who were down on their luck, many recently discharged from the hospital and they were constantly trying to sneak a free lunch. 

Basically the only people who were allowed to approach these individuals were one of the 3 store managers.  As we had other responsibilities besides policing the store for thieves many times we were paged by security or other team members to deal with a situation. 

I was paged to customer service and security pointed out a couple who was making a meal out of items plucked from the hot bar.  Which is not only totally gross, it is stealing.  I approached the couple and explained they needed to stop, pointed out they were stealing because we sold that food by the pound, and noted we needed to throw out any tray of food they touched so this was going to be a rather expensive situation for us.  Therefore I asked them to leave the premises.  They were very understanding and the woman especially apologized profusely. 

We were almost to the door when the woman stopped and asked if she could use the bathroom.  Against my better judgment I said OK and pointed her in the right direction.  She turned to her companion, held up the huge Dunkin Donuts Iced Coffee cup she was holding and said, “Great!  The doctor said I needed to give a urine sample anyway!”
“Excuse me?  What?” I asked.
“I need to give a urine sample!”
“Yes, but what are you going to use?”
“This!” she said continuing to hold up the cup.
“But it has a lid!”
“No.  Just no.  No.  No.  No.  You may not use the bathroom.  You need to leave right now.”
God that place cracked me up. 

Z's old band played a reunion show.  T is their biggest fan.


  1. I think one of the hardest things in any situation of loss is that the rest of the world moves on before you do, and you often feel like you "should be over it by now." That's never the case. Of COURSE you're still mourning, and you probably will be for a long time, and that's okay, and good, and healthy.

    In high school I found out I was pregnant because I miscarried; I didn't even know before that, and who knows what I would have done had I known. And I'm *still* sad about it, you know? And that's really okay, I think.

    Anyway, thanks for sharing, as usual - I love reading everything you write, and I'm thinking of you and yours over here.

  2. Of course you are still sad about it. I'm sad for you. That is a really rough and really confusing thing for a teenager to go through. Thanks for all your support.

    And we will be thinking about you and rooting for you tomorrow! Hugs from Syracuse!