Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Reality Check

The other day I was talking to Zeke in the most sincere way possible about how much I love T. How loving Thomas has been more effortless than loving anyone else in my life. I still think the whole “you don’t know what love is until you have a child” thing is hooey, I certainly don’t love him more than Zeke but I do love him automatically.

T has a cold. He’s been a trooper and is still in a good mood most of the time, but little dude has some trouble holding it together when he gets tired. Late yesterday afternoon he was whining and fussing and he reached for me (the reaching thing-holy shit there is nothing like it. I become a putty in his tiny hands) so I picked him up. He nuzzled against my shoulder. It was bliss.

And then the little fucker bit me. Hard. Hard enough to leave a mark. And I will tell you what, all of those lovey dovey feelings flew right out the window and I wanted to bite him right back! I had yelled out involuntarily. And I followed that up with a very stern “NO!” The yelling scared him for a moment, but he doesn’t understand no yet and he just looked up at me and smiled in this particularly mischievous way where he looks exactly my father. Being we named him after my dad who I completely adore it usually melts my heat when T smiles like that. But my shoulder was throbbing. So my heart stayed a chilly little ice cube.

I set T on his play mat and he immediately started howling. My little speech to him was along the lines of “No way man. I am not picking you up right now. You totally hurt me and I am not feeling it.” Again, he had some trouble with the understanding stuff. He was still feeling crappy and he wanted me to cuddle him. Which I did after I had inspected the bite mark and we both calmed down a bit.

[Side note—I am trying to not pick him up when he is the middle of frustration crying, especially if the crying involves peeking up at me and smiling in between the whimpers. I’m a bit frightened by how much he already tries to play me as a 7 month old. He gets that cries equal mommy time and I really don’t want that to be his attention getting method of first choice.]

As soon as I calmed down and my shoulder stopped throbbing all those lovey dovey feeling came flooding back. But it sure was interesting to discover how quickly they could temporarily recede. Don’t know if this happens with all moms, or if I’m just a jerk but the lesson learned is I don’t have superhuman patience for him just because it is easy to love him.

5 comments:

  1. Thats how they get you. We are putty, and they know it.

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  2. Yup, it does come and go sometimes. Example: I love Alice so very, very, very much after 6am. Before 6am, less so. Fickle old cow, aren't I?

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  3. Lovely Miss Anna, you are anything but a fickle old cow. Personally I don't think children should be allowed before 6am!

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  4. I know I'm behind the times, but I'm catching up. Now that Max is 2-1/2, I have had similar surprising feelings, but I am more surprised at how quickly I get over whatever has made me mad. I'm a slow recovery kinda gal...I wouldn't say grudge-holder, per se, but I don't quickly bounce back as soon as I hear "I'm sorry." But with Max...as soon as we talk about his errant ways, I always end with "I love you," and I surprise myself at how quickly he can make me smile again....as quickly as he made me lose my shit!

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    1. It's really so nice of you to read, Christina. I love that our boys are so close in age! Totally agree what you are saying, although I'm much more of an actual grudge holder....need to work on that....

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